[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Happy birthday to all the women
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I’m awake but I object,
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.