Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
we’re gonna need another temp
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts