@SavageHenriVega

*skinny dips into black hole

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@jngraphs

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

@offbeatoliv

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

@crabgirl_

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@rsf788

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.