*skinny dips into black hole
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Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work