skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
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I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.