Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.