Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
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My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
no!! no!!!!!!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.