[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
You Might Also Like
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.