[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”