[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“I’m helping” 😅
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
What about a To-Don’t List?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.