*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Well, that didn’t work.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed