Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.