@Home_Halfway

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

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@apparentlysmart

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

@MaxKrimeTV

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

@BoomBoomBetty

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

@minnie_in_pink7

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

@MarfSalvador

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

@GrantTanaka

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

@frenziedlanes

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

@SteveKoehler22

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

@daemonic3

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

@DickScurvy

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.