Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
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If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
my fav colour is also hitler
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA