@apparentlysmart Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
@Home_Halfway Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
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@apparentlysmart 
@MaxKrimeTV “Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
@BoomBoomBetty You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
@minnie_in_pink7 My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
@MarfSalvador 6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
@GrantTanaka wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
@frenziedlanes Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
@SteveKoehler22 Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
@daemonic3 “It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
@DickScurvy Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.