Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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Always
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf