*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
How do dragons blow out candles?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.