[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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i was baptized in a car wash
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.