*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
You Might Also Like
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.