*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT