They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
You Might Also Like
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?
ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
RT if you know someone like this!!!