*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
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You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My sex drive has a dui
be careful
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic