Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
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If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight