[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”