Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.