Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Bruh
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster