“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat