Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Just say no
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Catercrombie & Fish
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Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?