Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
“HELP WITH CAT”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners