Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Just say no
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Catercrombie & Fish
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?