Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.