@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

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@Not_From_Troy

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

@Samzen_

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

@kelkulus

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

@NottaBigDeal

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

@rad_milk

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

@BuckyIsotope

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

@weirdralph

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

@fatherofcomedy

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

@TopherKearby

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@kibblesmith

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.