Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Me too
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*