Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
🙂🐾
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders