Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Yes
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.