sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
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Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE