Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
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People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
How does one answer this?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I needed a laugh this morning.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar