Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.