Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I need better friends
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
When I said I liked it rough.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: