Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Shoo shoo! 😂
thanksgiving in nutshell
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.