@LMLMadness

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

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@mary_know

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

@apparentlysmart

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

@AllyMrJam

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

@stephenjmolloy

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

@girlfr0g

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

@geekysteven

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

@JJSummertime

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

@goodhairperson

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.