Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
You Might Also Like
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
🛁
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”