Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
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State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I found your tweet-up…
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.