*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
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There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
They grow up so quick
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Going to church you guys need anything
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.