Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
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HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I have never related to a cat more
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.