[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole