Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
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taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Who.
Did.
This?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Hamburger Hinderer.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease