*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
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You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me