@Dawn_M_

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

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@Xalqee

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

@VerbsRProudest

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

@inojperez

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

@krisv_723

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

@JohnLyonTweets

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude