*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
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I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
no cat here
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Sharon I have some bad news
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’