*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
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flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]