*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
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