[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
You Might Also Like
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Before & after 😅
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.