@david8hughes

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

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@dafloydsta

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

@theshantilly

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

@LoveNLunchmeat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@zachary_lampley

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

@birbigs

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

@milifeasdad

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

@HenpeckedHal

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

@AndyAsAdjective

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me