[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

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[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.


Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.


MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.


Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.


(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the


Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen


Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”


I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”


My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”



you mean the wolf to me


ha! autocorrect fail!


what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me