*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat