Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?