[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
are they though??
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.