Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
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“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Bike for sale
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
anyone else like Italian cereal
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.