[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.