[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
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There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya