*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
You Might Also Like
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.